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Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Stan's True Believers are all Dead

So Marvel Comics is an independent film company now. The strategy seems logical considering Spider-man made billions of dollars world-wide and comic book sales are currently in the toilet along with Kanye West’s endorsement contracts. Avi Arad, CEO of Marvel, claims this will “evolve our entertainment”. Interesting… but has Avi seen Elektra? How about Captain America or Punisher? Heck, what about all the other Marvel movies, other than X-men and Spider-man, that have been made thus far. Can you even discuss those movies and use the word “entertaining” at the same time? I can think of many other words when describing Marvel comic book movies, but none of them are a synonym for entertaining.

Avi, here is a comic book style news flash for you – YOUR MOVIES SUCK! Batman Begins, Spider-man, X-men, and Superman were successful flukes for two simple reasons. They are based on the most well known comic book characters in the world and the films were, for the most part, actually well made. Amazing how that second part of that equation about making high-quality movies completely eludes Arad and other big Studio idiots. Speaking of idiots, Arad’s new financing model is gonna allow him to grace the big screen with future Marvel turds like Nick Fury, Hawkeye, and Ant-man. Ant-man? Are you fucking kidding me? Will he spend the entire movie avoiding kids with magnifying glasses?

Marvel’s new business direction has led me to conclude that they simply hate comics. Arad and the rest of Marvel’s board of directors are doing everything possible to get out of the comic book business. Their focus away from what made them successful is astonishing. It is pathetic to see the CEO of Marvel display such disdain for comics, the very medium that made his wet dream of becoming another sleazy and insipid Hollywood exec come true.

Another question is, after Marvel buries their comic book division and the medium is dead, where do they expect future “licensing opportunities” to come from? Will Avi or his marketing team invent new ones themselves just to continue making movies? I am sure he’d invent some amazing stuff like a character named “Accuser” who runs around the Marvel corporate office accusing people of stealing his lunch or using all the photocopier toner. His arch nemesis is, of course, the “Denier” who sits in the cubicle next to him and denies he did anything. I am sure their on-screen banter will entertain us for at least four minutes.

What a sight it will be on opening night when Return of Water Wizard sells six tickets, Marvel Comics is bankrupt again and Avi spends the last few pennies of the $525 million he wasted to buy Kleenex to soak up the tears he sheds as his Hollywood dream fizzles and dies, much like Affleck’s performance in Daredevil did.

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