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Saturday, October 01, 2005

Think of All the Action Figure Sales

Spider-ManEvidently, Sony has decided its Spider-Man movie franchise had made them enough money and its time to follow in the Hollywood tradition of running anything remotely entertaining into the ground. Kirsten Dunst, who plays that slut Mary Jane Watson (in both movies her character banged a total of four different guys), has blabbed about how Spider-Man 3 will have no less than THREE VILLIANS. If the talking heads at Columbia Pictures took some time off from their busy days of corporate ass kissing and snorting coke off hookers to watch movies, they'd realize another famous comic book movie franchise tried this game plan which resulted in cinematic suicide. I am, of course, talking about the artistic masterpiece Batman & Robin.

In 1989, Batman was released and, despite its flaws, it was still entertaining; Michael Keaton made a cool Batman and the movie had only one villain. The sequel in 1992 added a second villain and subtracted a plot, and basically Batman himself. By they time Batman & Robin stunk up theatres in ’97, we were subjected to three paper villains, strobe lighting, a bat suit complete with nipples, and glossy half-naked men swinging on vines across the screen. Watching the movie was like spending an evening at the Blue Oyster Bar. With the release of Batman Begins, it had taken Warner Bros. eight years to dig Batman out of the hole they buried the franchise with by making Schumacher’s $125 million dollar shitfest. Now Sony has decided they will do the same with my beloved Spider-Man. Don't get me wrong, the current movies have some serious flaws (organic webbing bullshit, crappy 3D "stuntmen", and Dunst) but at least the movies only had one villain and Raimi does spend some time on, God forbid, character development. But all good things must come to an end. I will be both amused and saddened watching as Spider-Man 3 spirals into oblivion to join the many other craptacular movies I've seen lately including Catwomen, Elecktra, and Episode III: Revenge of the Shit... Ya they misspelled shit.

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