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Saturday, December 10, 2005

VGAs: Vapid Garbage for Assholes

Video Game AwardsA lot of people think the Emmys and the Oscars are overblown back-patting ceremonies Hollywood throws for itself, void of deserving content and utterly pointless in the extreme. These people have never watched the VGAs.

For those who don't know (you lucky bastards), the VGA (Video Game Awards) is SpikeTV's answer to the MTV Video Music Awards, only even more pointlessly over the top and featuring celebrities du jour that are every bit as excited to be there as the massive paycheques they're receiving for showing up can make them.

To say that this show panders to the lowest common denominator would be fucking GENEROUS. In fact, you might be able to claim it as a charitable donation for tax purposes. This thing caters to VAPID RETARDS. Paris Hilton would no doubt think the VGAs are "hot". That's your barometer right there, folks.

Categories include stuff like "Best performance by a human male" and "Best original song". What? Call it what it is, you fucks! "Best read over by an actor with a hole in his schedule" and "Best song by a band that was popular at the time this game went gold".

Or better yet, how about actually giving credit where it's DUE? How about instead of actors, rock stars and supermodels you show the people who MADE THE FUCKING GAME! How about some pasty-white programmers in ill-fitting jeans and coffee-stained T-shirts, stumbling up the stage, blinking, staring bleary-eyed in the unfamiliar brightness of the outside world? Where's that?

And what about the designers and the art team? Some drunk, some stoned, others just sleep deprived, fingers stained with ink and pencil, eyes rimmed red from sitting millimetres away from the screen trying to figure out why that one polygon won't smooth properly. HUH? Gimme some o' that sugar, Mr. SpikeTV program co-ordinator!!

Nope. No way. Never happen. This is why "reality" TV is scripted; people can't handle actual reality.

No wonder I barely watch TV anymore.

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