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Saturday, July 08, 2006

Movie Review: All Souls Day

The Horror of HorrorWhy are most people in horror movies retards? Oh, I know, there's an intention on the part of the director to get the audience to say, "Dude, don't go in there!"

But there are limits and here is a moment that pushed beyond mine: All Souls Day, an average B zombie movie filled with the typical zombie clichés (four college students trapped in a house with no way out etc., etc.) And yes, one of them is black and two are hot chicks. The fourth is a pretty white boy who’s been injured but not fatally. Got that? Okay. So, at one point one of the girls (an ex-cheerleader) decides to make a run for the car, hoping to escape and then come back with help. The black guy, a medical student, decides to go with her leaving his injured friend in the care of the other hot girl. Hmmm… A doctor abandoning his patient in an emergency situation; sounds a little... dumb, but whatever.

So, Blondie does some Buffy-esque back flips to navigate the zombie horde and makes it to the car. After fumbling with the keys for a second, she starts the car. Success! Putting the hammer down, she mows down several zombies and drives up to the entrance of the house to pick up Dr. Dumbfuck. Now picture this, as seen from directly overhead - the house is on the right, the car is in the middle, driver's side facing the house and on the left a growing mass of the hungry dead. So what does Captain Pre-med do? He tries to run AROUND the car to get in the passenger door. Naturally he's ripped to pieces and deservedly so, nobody that stupid should be allowed to live. I am curious as to how he made it all the way to pre-med with such a low IQ though. Oh, but it gets better! NotBuffy swings the car around and tries to drag his mangled body into the car herself! She too is promptly mauled and dragged to her doom by the hungry throng of living corpses, and again I'm sure you'll agree, deservedly so.

Watching movies like this makes me wonder if a zombie plague would really be so bad. It would certainly eliminate a large number of stupid people from the gene pool...

All Souls Day gets a rating of:

2 out of 4 STARS AND ONE ZOMBIFIED BRAIN CELL FOR EVERY MINUTE I WASTED WATCHING THIS

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