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Saturday, October 07, 2006

Movie Review: X-Men: The Last Stand

X-Men: The Last StandLast night, I rented the latest Ratnerfest entitled X-Men: The Last Stand knowing full well what I was getting myself into. Now this movie is not as bad as I thought it would be, but then again I can say the same thing about a prostate exam. X3 contains more holes to fill than Paris Hilton in front of a night vision camcorder.

The "plot" consists of a mutant codenamed Leech, who has the ability to render adjacent mutants powerless. The writers insult my intelligence by scripting a pharmaceutical company that is somehow able to fill syringes with a neon green fluid that replicates his powers (all sci-fi fluids are neon green, they evidently teach that to film school dropouts). These syringes are then loaded into plastic guns ready to turn any unsuspecting mutant into a normal human being without any other side effects.

During the climax of the film, Jean Grey is going ape shit literarily evaporating everything around her with these neon syringes littered all over the ground. Wolverine, who is deeply in love with Jean, gets close enough to stab her in the gut saving the world from utter destruction. Which begs the question: if the movie’s central plot point are these syringes with the ability to render any mutant powerless but not harming them in any other way, why didn’t Wolvie just grab one off the ground and poke Jean Grey instead of disemboweling her? He could have saved the world and her at the same time. Five minutes earlier they did just that to Magneto, ending McKellan’s future participation in the inevitable X4.

I now ponder what happened in that parallel Universe where Singer made X3 and Ratner made Superman Returns. Did that X3 contain uncomfortable scenes with Wolverine acting like a creepy stalker? Did Ratner’s Superman get injected with a kryptonite syringe stopping him from leaping plot holes in a single bound? Alas, we will never know.

X-Men: The Last Stand gets a rating of:

2 out of 4 STARS AND ONE SYRINGE TO RENDER RATNER’S ABILITY TO MAKE CRAPPY MOVIES POWERLESS

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