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Saturday, February 16, 2008

Performance Enhancement?

Roger 'I have taken steroids ooops' ClemensOnce again, I turn on my TV only to find the utterly USELESS media fueling the American obsession with celebrities by reporting the American Congress is investigating whether or not MLB pitcher Roger Clemens used steroids during his baseball career.

Which provokes the response: WHO THE F#CK CARES??

Doesn’t the American government have more important things to do than waste taxpayer’s time and money investigating whether or not another rich, spoiled and selfish pro “athlete” used performance enhancing drugs to throw a baseball faster (could there even be a more useless skill)? Maybe, I don’t know, they should spend some time looking into ceasing the unlawful war they are losing on the other side of the planet; or the fact their commander-in-chief is wiping his ass with their constitution; or reforming their corrupt health care system; or, heck, even that they have crazy kids shooting each other during boring University lectures.

But for the sake of this article, let’s ignore the fact that 99% of all pro “athletes” are womanizing overpaid assholes who serve no useful purpose in our society and pretend it matters if they use steroids to win. (The fact that Roger Clemens achieved more than 4000 strikeouts during his career will not cure anyone’s cancer, provide children in Africa with clean drinking water or save me from getting mugged in NYC.)

Since pro athletes are so worthless, why not let them use steroids? Using performance enhancing drugs is a VICTIMLESS crime. If an athlete wants to ruin their bodies to achieve an insignificant temporary goal, I say let them! There is no single legitimate reason why steroid use in any sport, amateur or professional, should be disallowed. The anti-steroid camp, made up mostly of self-righteous sports fanatics, will argue against steroid use due to the health threat of performance-enhancing drugs, the equality of opportunity of the athletes and the exemplary effect of "clean" (doping-free) sports in the public. Let’s debunk these one at a time shall we…

There is no doubt a high price is paid health wise for the use, and/or abuse, of steroids and human growth hormone, BUT the only person’s health affected is the athletes. It’s their body and if they want to poison it with steroids or other drugs let them. It doesn’t hurt me or anyone else (unlike alcohol or tobacco use, which are NOT banned!).

If steroids are legal then everyone can use them, thus there would be complete equality of opportunity. Some would claim that’s untrue because only rich athletes could afford the best steroids and give them an unfair edge over cheap steroid users or “natural” athletes. NEWSFLASH: that’s how it is right now. The richest athletes and countries such as the American, Russian and Chinese Olympic teams can afford to use those high quality drug test dodging steroids right now. Sport drug testing is a sham if you can afford the most cutting edge chemicals. You do not get caught and get to be a champion. Just ask any Chinese Olympic swimmer.

Banning steroids makes professional sports appear “clean” to the public? Are you kidding me? Sports have been one of the most corrupt activities throughout human history. Gambling, organized crime, drug abuse, murder, adultery, soccer moms and crazy-win-obsessed dads are all part of sports to this day. These activities are much worse than any athlete injecting himself in the ass so he can run 0.1 seconds faster in the 100m dash.

I can hear some of you whining, “What about the children?”

What about them? They are the ones that grow up to become steroid abusing athletes. Parents who failed at sports in their youth force their offspring to participate in athletics for a single goal which is repeatedly drilled into their heads - win by any means necessary. Sportsmanship, ethics, humility, class and humanity all get in the way of that goal. There is a reason 99% of professional athletes are scum, that’s what rises to the top, both in cooking and in sports. If winning is rendered unimportant then so is using steroids to win, but we all know that will never happen.

The solution to this scandal is simple: make steroids legally available to all athletes and then institute a new international rule for all professional sporting championships such as the Super Bowl, World Cup or Olympics where the winning athlete or team are to be sacrificed to the Sun God Huitzilopochtli, and their skull(s) used in some way in the subsequent championship game. I guarantee this new regulation will result in a dramatic decline of steroid use in sports.

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2 Comments:

  • You're forgetting the one key element to this issue: baseball is the "great AMERICAN pastime". It's one of those idiotic symbols to which they meaninglessly ascribe value, along with "Mom" (which is actually something EVERYONE has) and "apple pie" (which was actually invented in Canada). Chest thumping, flag waving neaderthals (ie republicans) actually give a shit about these things because they believe they actually reflect "Amurika" in some way. And if this was 1958 and not 2008 they might be right.

    By Blogger CapnG, at Sun Feb 17, 12:30:00 AM  

  • "Great" American pastime my ass. Yes it's not 1958 it's 2008, shopping is the "Great" new pastime, this means essentially buying shit they don't need. George Carlin from your last article of enlightenment taught us this.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Sat Feb 23, 01:11:00 PM  

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