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Saturday, July 18, 2009

Movie Review: Transmorphers

I've now seen the worst movie ever made in the history of film. Yes, that is quite the claim and obviously no, I don't mean in comparison to the millions of home movies and bad sex tapes that are made every year, I'm speaking strictly of movies made by so-called professionals in the hopes of making a profit. What is this movie? Transmorphers.

No, that's not a typo, you read it right: TransMORPHers. Take a moment to collect yourself.

Right off the bat the title should tell you something. Actually it tells you pretty much everything you need to know as terms like "cheap", "lame" and "rip-off" apply to every single aspect of this film. Now, normally speaking I give B-movies a lot of leeway owing to their no-name casts, laughably small budgets and impossibly tight shooting schedules but this movie falls below even those extremely lax criteria. I've seen demo reels from first year media students that look like blockbusters compared to this dreck. I shudder to think how many DVDs were wasted distributing it.

It's as if they were trying to make it as bad as possible. The plot is utterly ridiculous. The dialogue would embarrass the most talentless of hack comic book writers. The computer graphics look like they were composited in from a video game. The sound effects WERE composited in from a video game (DOOM, specifically). And as for the cast, it seems to be made up almost entirely of brainless bimbos with slightly less acting ability than the blow-up dolls they resemble. Imagine if the contestants of America's Next Top Model got an assignment to go shoot a sci-fi movie for one day (and I do mean ONE day). The entire thing is non-stop failure from the get go. As if that all weren't bad enough, there's apparently another one of these things, a prequel called "Fall of Man" starring Bruce Boxleitner! Oh Bruce... did you really need the money THAT badly?

This movie is SO bad that I'm not even going to bother rating it. That's right, not even ZERO. I feel dirty just acknowledging this thing's existence, let alone admitting that I watched it all the way through. It has literally redefined for me the concept of what a "bad movie" is. It's incomprehensibly AWFUL is what I'm trying to say here. At least I didn't pay to see it but even if you offered me money to watch it again, I wouldn't.

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  • What would one expect for a budget of $300,000? Michael Bay spent more than that on the TF2 movie poster.

    By Blogger Zain, at Mon Jul 20, 01:21:00 AM  

  • They blew $300,000 on this?! WHERE?!? Make up for the bimbo squad? Because I gotta tell ya, no amount of MAC eyeliner is going to make up for the fact the "acting" these broads do would embarrass porn stars...

    By Blogger CapnG, at Mon Jul 20, 10:38:00 PM  

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